Why Cupid Isn't Allowed In Pubs Anymore
by Pichi Wo
Summary: So Cupid got drunk and hooked up Ed and Roy creating... even MORE EdRoy drabbles! Dun dun dunnn... Beware the fluffiness!
1. Coffee

Me: Hello! I lurve the RoyEd pairing, so I decided to do some drabbles.

MP: (whispering: If you can call them that...)

Me: Ignoring that. Anyway... I think that's it!  
-lawyers appear out of nowhere-

Me: -panicking- Right, right, I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist!.!

MP: Baka.

Coffee. Sweet nectar of _life_. He couldn't think of anything that helped him wake up more. A shy, reclusive part of his brain said something about dew on mountains being good for it, but that made no sense. A much louder part of his brain said something about a _person_...

Ed smiled into his coffee, remembering that morning...

His thoughts were interrupted by Havoc and Fuery's entrance. They were talking animatedly. Ed listened absentmindedly.

"... the Colonel was looking rather happy today."

"He always looks happy in the mornings. Stupid morning person."

"No, no, it was different this time. He was dancing when he came in. He stopped when he saw me, but..."

"You wondering what I'm wondering?"

Ed took a big gulp of 'life-nectar.'

"Yeah. Wonder what unfortunate girl he fucked this time.

Ed snorted with laughter.

With the big gulp of coffee in his mouth.

Hot coffee through the nose _hurts_.

--teh endness--

Me: Short and sweet!  
MP: Sure!  
Me: Wow, really?  
MP: If you replace 'sweet' with 'sucky...'

Me: You're such a mean Muse...

MP: And don't you forget it.


	2. Spontaneous Flirting!

Me: I OWN NOT FMA OR ED OR ROY!

Ed was giving his rather irrelevant report as usual, ranting about the uselessness of the mission, the short notice, the difficulty of the mission, the lack of a library, a bad hair day he'd had while he was there, and...

"...and..." Ed trailed off.

Roy was staring at him intently.

Ed turned pink. "What?"

Roy laughed. "Oh, nothing. You're just cute when you're ranting."

Ed started, then smirked. "And you're totally hot when you're blushing."

Roy, for the first time in his life, flushed bright red. And he was indeed very sexy.

--celebrate! It's over!--

Me: Even I admit that sucked.

MP: -nods in silent agreement-


	3. Coffee AGAIN

The door went BANG! while Roy was pouring his coffee, so he turned his head to look at it. Unsurprisingly, the noisy newcomer was Ed, pissed as ever. Rather more surprisingly, it was Ed being pissed from a noticeably higher standpoint. He'd grown about two centimeters in as many weeks. It was distressing, to be sure, and Roy rather wished he would stop that.

_Hormones_, thought Roy with a shrug, as he turned back to his coffee. A part of his brain over which Roy had very little control began laughing maniacally in response. Roy ignored it, and added a goodly dollop of cream to his java.

Ed marched up to him as Roy was tipping in a spoonful of sugar. "DAMN YOU, TAISA!" he screamed.

Roy, feeling rather phlegmatic at the moment, merely asked, "Whatever for?"

"JUST DAMN YOU IN GENERAL!" Ed shouted, sounding like he was about to start ranting about how it was somehow Roy's fault that he'd stubbed his toe on the way in or something of the sort.

"In that case," deadpanned Roy, "here." And in one smooth motion, he turned around, brought his coffee to Ed's lips, and tilted the cup forwards

Ed opened his lips reflexively, his eyes widening in surprise and bafflement.

Roy took away the coffee, and scolded, "Don't get greedy. Coffee stunts your growth, you know."

A little vein on Ed's forehead began throbbing. "THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU GIVE IT TO ME?"

Roy sighed. "You're getting too tall. It's upsetting. I like you just the way you are."

As Ed gaped stupidly at his back, Roy walked away sipping his coffee. It tasted nice, like an indirect kiss.

-- here comes the ends, dressed in a fence!--

Me: That was okay, I'm thinking!

MP: Actually, I'd have to agree.

Me: Seriously?

MP: Neither of us own FMA or Ed or Roy or coffee.

Me: I wish I did.  
MP: FMA?

Me: No, coffee.


	4. Thoughts About Hair

Me: Thoughts about hair.

MP: How profound.

Sarcasm: -drips from words-

REVIEWAH WORSHIP!

Me And My God Complex: Uh... thanks! -blush- I'm not that good.

Aya-dono1331: You can tease him anyway! Watch: SHORT!

-beansprout flies over head-

See?

Fae Elric: Everybody said Chppie 3 was 'cute.' They all used the word 'cute.' Weird. & ys, i m membr uv teh st00pid gindr.

ON WITH TEH SHOW!

Roy thought Ed's hair looked like sunlight through honey. Ed thought Roy's hair looked like midnight in a puddle.

Ed thought his hair looked like piss. Roy thought his hair looked like soot.

It's sad, each thought, that he doesn't know how beautiful his hair is.

--an ending so soon?--

Me: They both have whuppass hair. I don't know what their problem is.

MP: Their problem is, they're **_SHORT_**.

Me: WTF do you think you're-

Ed: WHO CALLED ME SHORT?

Me and MP: -points at the other one-

Ed: GRAR! -makes spikes go -poke poke- at us-

MP: VOODOO!

Spikes, Ed, and Me: -vanish-

MP: Muahahahaha! It WORKS!

Roy: Ed's not short. He's really long. It fuckin' _hurts_.

MP: TMI, dude.


	5. More Coffee

REVIEWAH WORSHIP!

Me And My God Complex: You're right. I should've inserted that...

Fae Elric: Roy has a potty mouth! And thank you. I do love metaphor. (The cooties hurt.)

inuyashabooklover5188: Mike Pack here. He has to listen to me, or else I unleash the voodoo tornadoes on his soul. -evil grin-

I DON'T OWN FMA!

Let it commence.. and stuff...

So Ed discovered in his search for the Philosopher's Stone one day an elixir that would make someone fall passionately in love with someone else for eighteen hours, then forget all about it. Ya just had to transmute someone else's hair into it to designate the target. At the time he didn't care, because he was not raging with hormones.

Well, now is not then, obviously, because in our weirdo world TIME DOES NOT FLOW BACKWARDS! Freaky, neh? So anyway, Ed now had a plan.

He'd obtained some of Hawkeye's hair, at great risk to his own life, and created two batches of the mixture.

Al: So THAT'S what the evil laughter was about last week.

Ed: Shut up, I'm TRYING to listen.

So next morning, he spiked Havoc's tea with the stuff.

Well, it worked. His hair had shot straight up, he turned bright red, and then he started hitting on Hawkeye.

Ed ran to Roy's office, dodging several bullets and random bits of falling architecture as he did so. He burst into the office and slammed the door closed.

Roy was a bit confused. He was sure he'd put a barricade there...

Ed looked around, and said, "...oops. Sorry about the file cabinet."

Sweatdrop.

Roy coughed. "So. What brings you here?"

Ed panted out, "Safest room in the building. Coffee?"

Roy raised his eyebrows. "You dodged through that and didn't spill the coffee?"

Ed: -shifty eyes- yes...

Roy: O-o Why?

Ed: Hot coffee on the face hurts, man.

Roy shrugged and took the coffee.

Without really noticing, Ed held his breath...

Roy drank the coffee...

His hair shot straight up...

His face turned bright red...

And nothing happened.

"Good coffee, Fullmetal."

"Uhh... thanks?"

Why didn't it WORK? He'd followed the schematic precisely, he'd pulled out like FIVE HAIRS (which really hurts, by the way) just to make sure it worked. Dammit, it was supposed to make Roy obsessively in love with him!

After several hours of Hawkeye's rage, they eventually escaped, Ed fuming the whole time.

Later...

Havoc walked into the office, rubbing his head. "Ugghh... killer headache..."

He stopped and stared at the scene of destruction about him. Hawkeye walked by and stopped, eying him coolly.

"Hawkeye... what exactly happened yeaterday?"

"You don't remember?"

"Well, no. I was drinking some tea, and then I was in my bed waking up. Don't remember anything in between."

Hawkeye turned to look him squarely in the eye. "You drank that tea, you went all weird for a second, and then..." her trigger finger twitched angrily. "...you started.. HITTING on me..." Her head was making involuntary movements from side to side.

Havoc: WTF?

Hawkeye: -still twitching-

Havoc: Well, that explains the-

Hawkeye: NOT ONE MORE WORD, YA LITTLE PERVERT!

Havoc stared at the gun twitching in his face. It reminded him nothing more than of this one time when he started playing with some cougar cubs and turned around to see the mother glaring at him from two inches away.

Mustang walked into the office yawning. He stopped when he saw the little "TABLEAU OF ABSOBALLYLUTALLY FURIOUS HAWKEYE VERSES A VERY MEEK AND FRIGHTENED HAVOC!"

"Havoc, what did you do this time?"

Hawkeye calmed down, brushing her hair aside and putting away the gun. "Sorry, sir, just a relapse from yesterday."

"Oh, really?"

"Yes, sir. Won't happen again, sir. But Havoc ticked me off saying he didn't remember WHAT HE DID yesterday."

Roy frowned. "Now, that's very interesting, because I only remember half of what happened yesterday myself. I locked myself in my office, had some coffee, and next thing I know, I was waking up."

Havoc started. "That's exactly what happened to me, except I was... drinking... tea..."

They all stared blankly into space as the impact of what Havoc said sank in.

"SOMEONE'S SPIKING THE DRINKS!" they all screamed simultaneously.

Roy: OMFG, was I hitting on anyone?

Havoc: I don't think you left your office...

Roy: Let's see, the only other person in the room was...

He turned pale.

"Ed..."

Hawkeye rolled her eyes. "Oh, don't worry, we would have heard if you were hitting on Ed.¹"

Roy laughed weakly. "I guess you're right..."

Ed barged in, pissed. "I need coffee!"

Havoc girly screeched, stoping Ed in his tracks. Twitching.

"No, don't! They've spiked the coffee!"

Ed!

"...who are 'they?'"

"Whoever slipped the drug into our drinks that made us forget what happened yesterday."

Ed thought to himself,_ Wait... that should have meant it _worked_... but it didn't! WTF!_

Ed followed Roy into his office, without really thinking about it.

Roy sat down in his chair, and then saw Ed standing there. He quirked an eyebrow.

"Yes?"

"So your memory is blank after you drank that coffee?"

"Uh, yeah... Wait a minute, how do you know about tha-"

"DAMN! That should've meant it WORKED!"

Roy was utterly confused. "Uh, what?"

Ed sighed, and confessed, "I slipped an elixir into your coffee that was supposed to make you fall passionately in love with me for eighteen hours, then make you forget all about it!"

Roy's eyes widened, then he smirked. "Oh, it worked all right."

Ed looked up, confused.

"It just didn't change anything."

And he tilted Ed's head up into the sweetest kiss Roy'd ever had.

--the End is nigh! Oh wait. It already happened...--

Footnote:

1: Yes, you'd hear loud moans and thumping.

MP: So very wrong...


	6. Otoutokun

I own not FMA.

REVIEWAH WORSHIP!

Maiden Cross: Thanks!

inuyashabooklover5188: Me: (ducks and covers)

MP: VOODOO TORNADO!

Me: DUCK!

Everyone else: WHERE!

Fae Elric: You said cute anyways... but don't mind... Thanks for reviewing!

And now, someone whose review I JUST SAW... Purple Lurker reviewed "Coffee AGAIN" and I didn't even notice! I'M SORRY! It was a nice review!

Otouto-kun

"Taisa, he had artist's hands,

Delicate hands,

Pretty hands,

Taisa, he had artist's hands

and used them just to write.

Edward, he had dancer's steps,

Elegant steps,

City steps,

Edward, he had dancer's steps

and used them just to walk.

Roy and Ed had lover's eyes,

Elephant eyes,

and kitty eyes,

Roy and Ed had lover's eyes

and used them quite a lot."

-Alphonse

Ed stared at the piece of paper his brother had just handed him. Al hovered anxiously nearby.

"Nii-san?"

Ed looked up, unease in his eyes.

Al asked, tremblingly, "Is it good?"

Realizing his face must look traumatized, Ed replied hurriedly, "Oh, yes, it's good all right."

Al smiled... insofar as that's possible... and chirped, "Oh, good!"

"But, about that last line..."

Al deflated a little. "What about it?"

Ed sighed inwardly. "Nevermind."

--All bad things must come to an end--

Me: ...

MP: Eloquent.


	7. Wait for it, COFFEE!

Yeah. It used to be longer...

REVEIWAH WORSHIP!

Me and My God Complex: Thank you and thank you.

inuyashabooklover5188: thanks!

MP: -escapes chair he's tied to-

Me: EEP!

Wait for it, wait for it... COFFEE!

One day, the Fuhrer arrived at the office and told Ed that he was no longer allowed to drink military coffee. The official reason was that it was "Too fuckin' EXPENSIVE, you coffee suckin' BASTARD," but everyone knew it was really because "AND you ALWAYS FINISH THE DAMNED POT and NEVER, I repeat, NEVER FUCKIN' BREW ANOTHER POT! DO YOU THINK COFFEE GROWS ON TREES?" whereupon Ed responded, "Um, unless I'm mistaken," whereupon Fuhrer Bradley screamed "IT WAS A FUCKIN' RHETORICAL QUESTION! NO COFFE FOR YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" whereupon Ed stole the coffeepot and ran to his house (yes, we're going to pretend he has a house) and stayed there for the rest of the day.

The next day, Roy came back, with the coffeepot and a large smirk. The smirk vanished when he sat down, to be replaced by a scream of pain.

Never let it be said that Ed goes easy.

--oh my God, I thank you that this long pervy rant is OVER--

Me: It used to be longer. I had a longer version, but my computer ate it. I will eventually replace it...

MP: Do that.

Me: Yeah. It sucks, doesn't it.

MP: Sadly, yes.

Ed: Thank GOD you don't own FMA.

Me: Yeah, well, at least I'm not SHORT!

MP: -runs from spazzfest-


	8. High On Roy

I OWNETH NOT FMA! j00 gis ROKK!

REVEIWAH WORSHIP!

Suckily enough, there was only one review for Chapter 7, from one of my most faithful reviewers ever: Fae Elric! It's high time she got a plushie!

Fae Elric: Pervy rants are cool. Espesh from Ed. On an entirely different subject: HAVE A PLUSHIE! -hands you a plushie of Roy, holding a coffeemaker, wincing and blushing as he sits down, with Ed laughing maniacally-

High On Roy

There was a poster on the office wall. It was for a anti-drug campaign the Fuhrer was making them put out, and it had a picture of Edward Elric smiling and giving the camera a peace sign. The poster read:

**Meet Edward Elric. He's 16, the youngest State Alchemist on record, and very, very high. But not on crack, marijuana, or acid, or any drugs at all. No, Ed is completely drug free. What is he high on?**

**He's-**

**_HIGH ON_**-**  
**

"TAISAAAAAA!"

Said Taisa laughed with glee. Yes, the High On Roy campaign had gone over brilliantly. Too bad the only poster was hanging in the office.

--ended at last, ended at last, thank God almighty it's ended at last--

Me: The chapter front page for Chapter 48 of Furuba is way too sexay to be legal. -drools-

MP: What does that have to do with anything?

Ed: -holding manga- He's right. It is sexay.

MP: Gay ass bastards.

Ed, Roy, and I: Yes?


	9. Yet More Coffee

Well, this is refreshing! LOTS AND LOTS OF REVIEWS! I hit my 20th. And my 21st. Woot.

REVIEWAH WORSHIP!

Miyaku: Taisa isn't so much a nickname as it is a title; Taisa is, literally, 'Colonel.' Thanks for teh reviews!

Me And My God Complex: Tankoo!

Lost-in-NYC: -laughs for a couple of hours- It would be a sexy poster. Could someone do fanart of it? -looks around hopefully- And suck it up, girl. You have a ten percent chance of crushing on the wrong sexual orientation. I have a _ninety_ percent chance.

Fae Elric : I'm asking random people to make me fanart... wish me luck... if I get fanart of the poster, I'll post it on my profile.

inuyashabooklover5188: -pokes Fae Elric response-

Disclaimer:

I don't own FMA. If I did, it would not be rated teen. Why? Because I am a hardcore yaoi fanboy. Join the 'Yaoi-ify Fullmetal Alchemist' Army!

Note:

Mike Pack has strep throat really badly and cannot currently speak. He is currently taking bedrest and antibiotics, and has been running a semi-constant fever of about 100° Fahrenheit. He is currently stable.

Yet More Coffee

Ed liked his coffee charcoal black. Roy liked his with milk, sugar, and, for some strange reason, honey. Ed's favorite mug was reddish orange, saying 'You think YOU have problems?' Roy's was fake gold and said 'Richard of Gold.' Ed liked his coffee piping hot. Roy added iced tea to cool his coffee down.

For some reason, Havoc got the distinct impression that this was somehow flirting.

-wow, that was over quick-

Me: That likely didn't make much sense. Just think about it. Every coffee preference is a reference to some trait in the other person.

Me: ...Yeah. It was bad. Wasn't it.


	10. Fireflies

I am SOOOOOOO sorry about the wait! TT-TT Please, beat me until I have paid for my siiiiins!

REVIEWAH WORSHIP!

CrossoverQueen: Coffee is teh shiznit.Ya got the coffe references right.

MP: You got some that HE didn't get.

Me: Shut up. Anyway... 2 out of three ain't bad" I'm not bi, just gay. :D As for why we have not met? -goes to read some of your stories-

imyourvillain: Your reviews are awesome. GO FORTH, THE ROY FANPERSON SISTERHOOD!

Lost-in-NYC: MP here. FINALLY, someone posts about me! Yes, I'm feeling better... not thanks to all you unfeeling people! Anyway, in reward for your care, I shall give you: A PLUSHIE! -hands you a plushie of Roy with a flashlight-

Miyaku: You're welcome! 8:o)

Me And My God Complex: Thanks!

Onyxlight: Thankyou!

BlackMercifulFaerie: You're a ex-Neopets fan, aren't you? And... O..O A TOTALLY WHUPASS AUTHOR! WHY ARE YOU REVIEWING MY **CRAP**?

MP: Because she pities you.

Fae Elric: Your skill with flattery is matched only by your skill with lying. :D

Amekan: O..O My reviewers are all psychics. -puts on lead helmet-

Fireflies

"I love fireflies."

Ed turned to look at Roy. "Eh?"

"Fireflies. They're so pretty. Like yellow, blinking stars. Don't you love them?"

"No!"

"Why not?"

Ed sighed. "Because, when fireflies blink, they're telling the others that they wanna have sex. You realize that, right?"

Roy was silent for a moment, gazing at the blinking, beautiful, lewd stars of the summer. Then he smirked.

"Ed?"

"Yeah?"

Roy pulled out a flashlight. Blink. Blink. Blink.

-ewwwww!-

Me: I have reached the tenth chapter!

MP: Nooooooo!

Me: Nutjob.

Barry The Chopper: Yes?

Hawkeye: Honey, just come back to bed.

Me: OH. MY. GOD.

MP: WE HEARD NOTHING! -flees-


	11. Fueryous Coffee!

Ain't got much time, soo...

REVIEWAH WORSHIP!

queenphoenix: OO -sobs-

Evil Twins INC: Thank you and thank you!

Fuery-ous Coffee!

Havoc cringed as Ed walked into the office.

"Uh, Ed?"

"Mmngh... yuh?"

"What are you _wearing_?"

Ed blinked, slowly and sleepily. "Uh... black tank top, red overcoat, leather pants, and gloves?"

Havoc sighed and shook his head. Pulling up a chair to the cafeteria's table, he said, "Sit down."

Ed sat.

Havoc placed a mirror in front of Ed.

Ed looked at the mirror fuzzily. "Mnnrgh?"

Havoc sighed. It couldn't be helped. He'd have to give Ed... the CAIN FUERY COFFEE OF DOOOM!

Yes, that's right, ladies, Cain Fuery brews a mean pot! He is said to have awakened the dead- namely, one rather decayed Maes Hughes- with the very FUMES of this wondrous brew! When asked about his secret, Cain blushes deeply and murmurs something about all-natural milk, whereupon Jean Havoc laughs mightily!

So, anyway, Havoc obtained some of this magical coffee (making sure to keep his nose away from the steam) and placed it in front of Ed's nose.

Ed blinked, inhaled deeply, and yawned. "Mmm... mrghl?"

Havoc gasped. This was surely a strong slumber!

There was no help for it. The coffee.. must be... DRUNK! (dun dun dunnn...)

"Okay, Ed, now it's time to _drink_ the coffee, all right?"

By this time, this strange tableau had attracted quite a crowd. Indeed, the only one missing was Colonel Mustang, who had been instructed by Hawkeye not to leave the room on pain of death. Naturally, Taisa was not eager to the slaughter, so he remained in his office. Whether he was workin' hard or hardly workin' was yet to be determined.

Cain was frightened. He was the only person in the world who could drink his coffee without bouncing off the walls and screaming strange things at the top of his lungs for periods lasting up to a week! "Havoc! What're you doing? That's my special bre-"

"NO, Ed, no it's not. It, it, it's _my _coffee, it's not strong at all! Now drink it up, kay?"

He drew Cain aside, and whispered, "LOOK AT HIS _SHIRT_!"

Cain looked, blushed deeply, and then recovered enough composure to say, "Uh, umm, umm... that's right, drink up!"

(By this time, everyone had noticed the shirt. Oh, what hilarity! they could hardly contain their giggles.)

Ed blinked, slowly sleepily.

Havoc was sweating with anxiety. Would he fall for it?

Ed mumbled, "mrrgh... m'kay..."

YES!

Ed tipped the coffee up to his lips...

There was a group gasp. What was Ed thinking?

Ed opened his lips...

MORE group gasping! I say! Gasp GASP!

...and drank the whole thing down.

SILENCE.

Ed was already waking up visibly. He put down the cup, looked in the mirror...

a look of utter horror crossed his face...

and he screamed, "RRRRRROOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYYOUBASTARD!.!.!.!.!"

FLASH!

(What was that flash about?)

Of course, Roy wasn't _completely_ stupid. He'd barricaded his door with plenty of reinforced concrete, far too much for any one man to transmute. So, he belly laughed with impunity! "HAHAHAHAHAAAH!"

BUT! Twenty tons of reinforced concrete are NO MATCH for... EDWARD ELRIC ON SUPER-CAFFEINE!

Maes Hughes, sometime later, fished a small piece of paper out of a pool of chemicals. There, on the photograph, was Edward Elric, surging out of his seat, with one phrase on his shirt clearly visible in the mirror:

!eM tseloM

"I caught it all... ON FILM! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAH!"

His nose fell off into the tray.

Hughes winced. "Dammit! Not again...

--whoa OO That was STUPID--

Me: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAH!

MP: -unleashes evil voodoo-

Me: And again, I say: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAH-

Pichi Wo's Nose (which rhymes, btw): -falls off-

Me: OWW! That hurt!

MP: You did it to Hughes.

Me: Yeah, well, his flesh is rotting, so it doesn't hurt!

Hughes: -attempting to reattach nose to face- You know what? FUCK YOU.


	12. Kinky Office Sex!

Okay, sorry about the wait last time:D This one's faster... and has more JeanCain fluff action! Did anyone catch the implied HavocxFuery in the last one? It was hidden pretty deeply... /

REVIEWAH WORSHIP!

queenphoenix: No prob. I'm not that good of a writer... Thanks for reading it anyway:D

Me And My God Complex: Heh! Thanks...

And... now... ON WITH THE SHOW!

Kinky Office Sex

It was the height of the flu season and, for some odd reason, insanely, swelteringly hot. Which must have sucked for all the people who had to stay in bed with a fever. But they weren't the only ones suffering. The people in the office (all six of them) were simply dying.

Except Havoc. He was in an exceptionally good mood because Hawkeye, for once, had called in sick. This was absolutely horrifying, because Hawkeye only missed work for life-threatening illnesses, but also perfect for Jean's plans. Equally perfect: Cain Fuery, who was way too molestable in his sweat-soaked undershirt, which revealed his chest and shoulders magnificently. Yes, Fuery was far, far too sexy today. But Havoc wasn't complaining.

He sauntered up behind his lover and, after a cursory glance around, hugged him from behind.

"HYUP! Ahh... what is it, Jean?" Fuery was only just beginning to get used to how affectionate Havoc was when no-one was watching.

Havoc smirked, and grabbed Cain's arm. "Come with me."

"Ehhh- huh?"'

And off they went.

"Wh-where are we going?"

"We're going to take inventory of the broom closet over there."

Fuery blushed, and lowered his voice. "Jean... can't you wait until we get home? Besides, that cupboard's locked, and we don't have the key!"

Havoc stopped and turned around. "You don't..."

He pulled the waistband of his pants and boxers away from his body, reached down, and pulled out a key on a chain.

"... but I do."

Fuery gaped. "You kept it... in your _underwear_?"

"What better place to store a tool for kinky office sex?"

And with that, Havoc turned around, unlocked the door, and flung it wide...

...to reveal Roy fucking Ed up against the wall.

Silence.

Then Havoc smiled, and asked, "Is there room for two more?"

-This is the end of the drabbly oneshot chapter thingy ma bobberal-

Me: Foursomes. -drools-

MP: Ewww...

Me: Eheh...

Advertiser: Fullmetal Alchemist use Trojan brand condoms in their kinky office sex! You should too! Pleasure you want, protection you need!

Me: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. Or Trojan brand condoms.

MP: WTF?

Me: Check out my NEW RoyEd fic, Black Cat! Pweeze?


	13. Spiked Coffee

From now on, I shall accept requests for coffee fics, as I am about out of ideas of my own. ;;

REVIEWAH WORSHIP!

queenphoenix: Yes, ma'am...

MP: Horny bitch.

Me: Oh. My. GOD. YOU'RE INSULTING THE READERS AGAAAIN! NO COOKIE BARS FOR YOUUU!

MP: Wanna bet?

Fae Elric: Sorry 'bout that... and it's great to have you back too!

This is gonna be a fic of its own... there's just too much potential... so be on the lookout for another fic!

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA, goddamnit.

Note: Ed says 'sh' instead of 's,' Farman skipps consonants, Fuery hiccups, Havoc slurrs stuff together, Hawkeye and Mustang talk normally, Armstrong mispronounces words, and Breda doesn't talk in this one. Just in case it's hard to figure out.

Spiked Coffee

Fuery switched off the radio and sighed. "Four feet."

Ed thought that was insane. "Of SNOW?"

Mustang chuckled, and whispered, "Don't go outside, Fullmetal..."

"I know that, dammit- HEY! WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT HE'D- SO SHORT HE'D-

SO... SHORT HE'D..."

"Be buried under a single flake of snow?"

"Ride a snowflake to work?"

"Not even be able to see the snowflake when it landed on the ground over his head?"

"OH, THANKS, YOU'RE ALL _SO_ HELPFUL, DAMMIT!"

Hawkeye sighed and sipped her tea. _At least twelve hours stuck in the office with these people. This ought to be interesting..._

Her eyes lit up momentarily. _Especially if..._

Hawkeye quietly left the room as Fuery tried (unsuccessfully) to make the radio receive through all this snow. Roy, quite unhelpfully, was attempting to hold a conversation with the mechanic.

"So, know any good music channels?"

"Mm."

"Me, I don't listen to the radio much. Don't have one."

"Ah."

FULLMETAL TO THE RESCUE! "Roy Algernon Mustang, if you don't GET YER ASS OVER HERE AND START THIS FIRE-"

"My, my, such a short temper!" Snap-fwoosh-crackle.

"FUCK YOU!"

"After I lit that fire? No, no, I'm much too tired, and you're not exactly appetizing, being an underage male..."

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

BANG. BANG. BANG.

"Edward. Please stop screaming."

Ed lifted his hand to his head to make sure it wasn't bleeding. "Y-yes ma'am..."

Then Riza broke out into a suspiciously (and creepily) happy smile. "Who wants coffee?"

Everyone but Black Hayate and Hawkeye herself took some. As the coffee supplies dwindled, the conversation got more and more completely insane.

Eventually...

"DAMMIT, I'M BORED!"

"Aw, now, shrimpcakes, y'shouldn't... shou... shouldn'disrespect a lady like that!"

"You're (hic) you're not a (hic) a lady, (hic) Jean!"

Havoc leered at Fuery, who blushed furiously¹. "An' you lovit."

Hawkeye, brightened up and said, "I know! Let's play Truth or Dare!"

"Woof!"

"I 'gree with Bla' 'ayate!"

"I shall use th'... th'... teknikay passed down..."

"Y'mean technique? (Hic)"

_Let the fun begin,_ thought Hawkeye, and inwardly, she smirked. Roy would've been proud.

Riza got everyone to write down their names on a piece of paper and put it in a hat. "Alright, we go around in a circle. We pick three names out of a hat, and those people ask the victim 'Truth or Dare.' You guys know how to play after that, right?"

"Yup!"

"(hic) ym!"

"I gueth..."

"DAMN STRAIGHT!"

"Alright. First victim is... EDWARD."

"Aw, shit."

Hawkeye rustled around inside the hat. "First name... Cain Furry... you spelled your own name wrong?"

"Oops. Uh... Ed, Truth or Dare?"

"Truth. Don't do daresh. Too rishky." Ed burped loudly.

"Ed!"

Meanwhile, Cain was thinking furiously². He'd never played Truth or Dare before, but his sister had. Now, what kinda questions did she ask?

He brightened up, and asked, "Do you (hic) like some(hic)someone in this(hic) this room? (Hic?)"

Ed blushed, and muttered something.

"Whaz(hic) whazzat?"

"yesh, damnit..."

"Ooh! Edward!" leered Havoc, as his and all other heads in the room turned to Hawkeye.

Except Mustang, who was scanning all the other faces...

Hawkeye, blushing faintly, pulled out another slip.

She stared at it.

"Cantcha readit?"

"Well, no, Havoc. It's a pawprint."

"Woof! Woof woof woof woof!"

"... Bla' Haya'e?"

"Woof. Woof arf woof?"

"Truth," replied Ed.

"Woof bark yip woofarfwoofwoof?"

"NO! It'sh not Hawkeye, damnit!"

Mustang began laughing hysterically. "I knew it! Chibi-chan's GAY!"

There was much slurred jabs, as Edward blushed more and more deeply.

Hawkeye rummaged around in the hat. "Farman."

"E'war', 'ruth or dare?"

"Truth. I'sh don't DO daresh, I told you sho, damnit!" Still blushing. Still pissed.

"Uh... who is i'?"

"EP! Time out! If the person's in the room, you can't ask who it is directly. It's the rules!" This from Hawkeye.

"Oh. Umm.. wha'ssis 'air colour?"

Edward invented several new shades of red with his blush. "Ish black."

"Ohoho!"

Much joshing, as Fuery and Ed blushed amazingly, Roy smirked, and Black Hayate fainted dead.

"Next victim... ROY!"

Roy continued to smirk.

"First name... ED!"

Roy's smirk slipped momentarily, then righted itself.

"Taisha... truth or dare?"

Roy continued smirking. "Tru.." the smirk faltered... "no, da..." the smirk vanished, to be replaced by a look of utter horror... "uh, I mean truth."

Ed smirked, terrifyingly. "Are you _really_ shtraight?"

Roy's smirk, which he'd _just_ put back on, froze. "...no."

Group mocking gasp.

"...shut up..."

Hawkeye, to stop the jeering, if nothing else, pulled out the next name. "Jean Havoc The Soxpot. You spelled 'sexpot' wrong."

"Sorrybout that. Roy, truthordare?"

Roy still had his frozen face on. "Truth."

"Dya like sommun inthe room?"

Frozen face. "Yes."

Ooh hoo hoo! cried everyone loudly.

Edward, oddly enough, stood up for him. "Hey, hey, hey, guysh! It might be Risha, he didn't shay he wash gay! He could be bisheckshual!"

More jeering. "...thanks, Ed."

"Nosh problem, Roy!"

Hawkeye sighed, and pulled out a name. "Fuery again."

"(hic) (hic) R(hic) they're (hic) getting(hic getting worse! (Hic!) Roytruthor(hic) damn it (hic) Roy, (hic), Truth, (hic) Or, (hic) Dare? (Hic) Oh, I (hic) got it out! (Hic)"

Roy was still frozen. "Enough of these truths. Dare!" _Fuery's dares can't be too tough..._

"(hic) FRENCH HIM."

DOOM.

Amid laughing and jeers and wolf whistles, Roy blushed a deep saffron red (one of the colors Ed had to make up), got up...

and whirled around to smooch Ed right on the kisser.

Ed looked shocked. Then... he smirked.

Roy saw the Apocalypse in those eyes, as Ed leaped up, won the battle of tongues, toppled Roy to the floor, and straddled his hips.

Fuery began screaming "PG 13! (hic) PG (hic) 13!" as Farman called out, "Ge' a ROOM!" and Alex fell over laughing.

Next afternoon...

Sitting in one of the newly operational cabs, Hawkeye stroked a (now empty) bottle of rum. Ah, the fun to be had with spiked coffee...

--sleep easy, folks--

Footnotes

1: No pun intended.

2: Ditto.

Me: I'm not going to post another chapter until I get five more reviews, kay?

MP: DON'T REVIEW! PLEASE!

Me: -slaps MP-

MP: You're gonna regret that...

Me: Eheh... umm... REVIEW PLEASE! -runs away-

MP: GET BACK HERE!.!.!


	14. Otoutokun Again

Tah-dah! Tis a bad chapter. Forgive me?

REVIEWAH WORSHIP!

queenphoenix: Thanks!

Invader-Nehima: I'm planning on writing a fic in which we find out that alcohol has absolutely no effect on Edward's body... but yeah, he is funny when drunk.

shadow-wind auror: Will do! And seriously, people: PLEASE SEND ME IDEAS FOR COFFEE FICLETS. I need the inspiration. TTTT

UmiKodo-chan: Um. Okay. Thanks?

Greedy Ed: Thank you SO much for hunting down that pic! -glomps chuuu-

AstroStarr42: Yes! Muses are a pain in the ass, aren't they? XP And mine doesn't even give me ideas!

MP: -readies voodoo tornado-

Me: oh. SHIT.

Disclaimer: I OWN NOTHING! GET IT INTO YOUR HEAD! STUPID LAWYERS!

Note: This one sucks. Sorry!

Otouto-kun Again

Roy was sitting in his office. As usual. In front of a never-shrinking pile of paperwork. As usual. And sleeping. Not as usual.

Roy does not sleep during the day. Oh, no. Not he. Roy is not so weak as to fall asleep when it's light out! And definitely not within yards of the best shot in Central! He is merely... dozing! Yeah, that's it. No, Roy is not, in any way, shape, or form, asleep. Got that?

Hawkeye didn't. Which was a little odd, because USUALLY, when Hawkeye sees Roy... ahem, _dozing_... she usually shoots at him to wake him up. But not today. Why? Because Hawkeye had very good eyesight, and she decided that what she saw would be much more entertaining.

Back to teh smexy Colonel. He was dreaming of... um, _imagining_... Ed in a miniskirt.

"Wow, Ed, nice outfit."

Ed giggled. "Thanks! I'd hoped you'd like it! Isn't it sexy?"

"Yes... GOD yes..."

"Al found out."

Roy abruptly stopped dozing. "Wha?"

"Al found out! RUN!"

"TAISAAAAAAAAA!"

Al thundered into the room, as said taisa backed up against the wall.

"Um. Hello, Al. How are you doing?"

"HAVE YOU BEEN SCREWING MY BROTHER?"

Roy glanced at Ed, who was mouthing, "Whatever you do, DON'T LIE."

"Umm... yes?"

Al leaned across the desk, and roared, "YOU'D BETTER LET HIM BE ON TOP SOMETIMES!"

And Al stomped out.

Ed and Roy: Oo

--wow, it's over--

Me: Wow.

MP: So much suckiness in less than a page...

Me: I know... OO


	15. Coffee Fetish

This was on hiatus while I was doing Black Cat up to Chapter 5, in case y'all didn't get the memo. But it's back now!

MP: You should've updated Black Cat faster, loser.

Me: Yeah, I know...

REVIWAH WORSHIP!

I WORSHIP YOU ALL! Thanks for all the nice reviews, but I CAN'T READ ALL OF THOSE! TTTT

Disclaimer: I'm a GUY. Do you seriously think I'm Hiromu Arakawa? Wait. Is the author male or female? Oo

Coffee Fetish

Some idiot had emptied the pot without starting another one again. Bastards. Bet they do it just to deprive me of my caffeine. Assholes. Bet they do it because they're freakishly tall. Fucktards...

Edward sighed. He was running out of two-syllable unprintable words, so there was nothing do do but buckle down and start the next pot.

He put the coffee grounds in and then filled up the little water thingy.

Now came the hard part...

You see, years and years of fingers pressing the 'on' button have worn the letters off, and Ed can never remember where the button is. Poor guy...

So when Roy came in, Ed was bending over, giving Roy a lovely look at his ass, and poking the coffeepot.

Without taking his eyes off Edward's ass, Roy spoke up. "Edward... may I ask you what you're doing?"

Ed straightened up and glanced over his shoulder. "I'm trying to find the on button on the- Roy?"

"Yes?"

"Are you checking me out?"

"Noo..."

"Then... what are you doing?"

"I'm undressing you with my eyes."

"There's a difference?"

"Yes. Trust me, I have experience with such things."

"I can imagine."

Roy moved over to stand in front of the coffeepot.

They stood there for a while.

"...Roy?"

Roy's heart skipped a beat. "Yes?"

"...you realize, don't you, that it's not on?"

Slightly disappointed, Roy bent over and pressed the 'on' button.

Ed took the opportunity too bend back and check out Roy's ass.

Roy stood up, and Ed turned his attention to the coffeepot.

There was a pause of a few seconds.

Then:

Drip.

Pause.

Drip.

Roy twitched.

Drip.

Twitched back.

Drip.

Looked at Ed.

Drip.

Looked away.

Drip.

Twitch.

Drip.

Looked at Edward.

Drip.

Cleared throat.

Drip.

"Wanna know something?"

Drip.

"What?"

Drip.

Pause.

Drip.

"I've got a coffee fetish."

Drip.

"Is that so?"

Ed looked Roy up and down and continued, "So what're you gonna do about it?"

------

Riza tipped the cabbie and stood on the sidewalk before HQ, and stretched, yawning. It was really far too early for being awake, reflected Riza. It probably was cruel and unusual punishment or something of the sort.

She walked into HQ, waved at people sleepily, and came up to the office door.

She steeled herself, and walked in.

-------

_Bing!_

Roy was forcibly awakened by the sound of caffeine. But he did not have enough caffeine in his system to get up and get it. A terrible dilemma. A or B...

C!

"Edward..."

"Mmffgh..."

"Eduuu..."

"Maahhh... yes?"

"Get the coffee, will you?"

Edward snarked. "Mm... why don't you do it?"

"Because I let you be on top."

A pause.

"Equivalent exchange, Edward."

"Alright, alright."

Edward stood up, and turned to get the coffee...

when the door swung open.

Ed turned his head to look, still too phlegmatic to care...

and Riza Hawkeye was standing there with a look of abject terror on her face.

"Eduu... what's taking so long?"

Then Roy noticed Riza.

Stunned silence.

And with a Click! and a FLASH! Maes Hughes had it all on film.

-fade to black-

MP: This is waaayyy better than Otoutokun Again.

Me: Yay!

MP: ...but that's not hard.

Me: True...

Riza: ( 8 O Oh... my... God...

Roy: -pulls on underwear- So I guess our skinny-dipping plans are off?

Ed: Yeah... yeah, I guess so.


	16. Peace

Black Cat's on hiatus. I wrote myself into a corner, and I'll probably end up changing the plot significantly... read the latest chapter, and you'll understand what I'm talking about...

REVIEWAH WORSHIP!

Lost Alchemist: That sounds just the _teensiest_ bit wrong...

ILUVBRAE: -winces- Crap, now she'll never say anything nice to me again...

Fae Elric: Yeah... does he still have the negatives? I wanna copy of _that_ picture...

A Slice above the others: Okay, my disclaimer makes sense now! XD

Akikami: Mooocha. Laaatte.

Roy-Fan-33: I'd... get sued... if I gave yaoi fanfiction to strangers...

---

Disclaimer: I'm a GUY. Do you _really_ think I'm Hiromu Arakawa?

Peace

I watched Roy, as the bluebird settled on his finger. He was gentle, happy, calm, and the bluebird was too.

And I... I envied that bluebird, who was there when Roy had his guard down.

And I... I envied the trees, and the forest, who could see the smile behind his ever-present smirk.

And I... I envied the day, the light that filtered through the trees, that could watch him forever, in his happiness, and his sadness, and his peace.

And I... I was smiling too... because he saw me, let go of the bluebird, and kept on smiling.

-cut!-

A/N:

Me: This one's a true drabble, exactly 100 words long, not counting the title or the author's notes.

MP: The identity of the speaker is a bit ambiguous...

Me: True, but... really... I couldn't use first person the way I wanted to and made it obvious... it would've broken the flow.

MP: Eh, you have a point.

Bluebird: Flirtatious BASTARD. I thought we had something _real_!


	17. Coffeehouse: Latte Art

Most of my coffee fics will be centered around this coffeehouse until one of you guys private-messages me some ideas, all right?

REVIEWAH WORSHIP!

Invader-Nehima: It's, like, ATTACK OF THE CLINGY BLUEBIRDS!

Roy-Fan-33: Pichi's Ego: Aww, thank you!

Me: -is being squished under ever-growing ego-

Fae Elric: Doooon't worry, I know exactly what you mean.

White Butterfly: Thanks for the compliments! (: )

Shadow-wind auror: Indeed. :D

Silverhelix: Aww... that makes me feel all fuzzy inside! ( 3

---

Disclaimer: I'm a GUY. Do you _really_ think I'm Hiromu Arakawa?

---

Latte Art

There is a restaurant in downtown Eastern that serves coffee. Not necessarily good coffee, and not necessarily good service, but it serves coffee and is within walking distance of Easter HQ, and so it does a booming business.

And Roy's fave was the vanilla latte. Especially the foam. The girls who made the latte (the place didn't have any male coffeemakers, as it was said that only women could make drinkable coffee) were truly talented, and were paid generous amounts of money; a wonderful duo, and a beautiful trio should you throw in vanilla extract.

But even more than the taste, Roy loved the latte art.

Hearts, trees, leaves, and (god knows _how_) Koch's snowflakes, they did it all, and Roy loved it.

And then one day, someone served him an Edward.

He blinked, and it turned into a dove.

The next day, he got another Edward latte that, this time, turned out to be a tree.

The next, it was a spiral.

It took him two weeks of this to realize he was in love. Stubborn, _stubborn_ men.

-I heart vanilla lattes-

A/N

Me: Vanilla lattes are actually really _my_ favorite coffee. And I do think latte art is cool, but I'm not obsessed with it like Roy is.

MP: ...

Ed: Roy?

Roy: Mm?

Ed: Why the_ FUCK_ are you Frenching your latte?

Roy: Mnrgh? Because I wanna. -wince- Ow, my tongue...

Ed: See? You scalded yourself! _Roy!_

Roy: Aw, sweetie, I didn't know you cared.

Ed: -blush-


	18. Fatherhood

This one's looong. Be afraid, be very afraid. Also, MP's on vacation. In Hawaii. Damn him...

Quote of the Chapter: "Do a little tap dance, we have salsahhh!"

Five bonus points if you can tell me who said this...

REVIEWAH WORSHIP!

Invader-Nehima: There's no such thing as too mean when you're talking about the insensitivity of men. I'm applying for a Honorary Femalehood so I can just whip out a slip of paper whenever someone starts male bashing- and join in on the fun.

A Slice above the others: I'm glad I brightened your day! -hugs-

Fae Elric: Staehli. That's a fucking poem all by its fucking _self_.

White Butterfly: Eastern, of course... I'm so stupid...

----

Disclaimer: I'm a GUY. Do you _really_ think I'm Hiromu Arakawa?

Dedication: To the lovers of Silly Putty around the world.

_**IMPORTANT NOTE!**_

This is more of a Roy/Ed friendship fic than a RoyEd romance... just thought I'd make it clear...

----

Fatherhood

Roy was an adoptive father of five: a young woman of fourteen, Leslie; an early adolescent male of 13, Roderick; a seven-year old boy, Aaron; and the twins, Sally and Roland, who, though not blood related, were born within hours of each other on a day a little more than five years ago. Over the years, he had accumulated an impressive list of parenting rules, which he knew by heart and used almost religiously in daily life. For example:

Roy, upon waking up, got up, got dressed, and headed for the kitchen after waking up the horde (except for the twins, who woke at 10.). Once there, he set the table, went to the stove, and paused, considering Rule #23:

Rule #23 of Adoptive Fatherhood: Never feed your child(ren) anything without asking what they want first.

So Roy turned, and asked, "So. What are we having for breakfast?"

"Cake."

"Aaron!"

"Ice cream."

"Roderick! Ugh! Daddy!"

"Yes, Leslie."

It was a bit ironic that Leslie was the one making a stab for reason; she had made far more outrageous demands in her time, leading rapidly to the adoption of:

Rule #24 of Adoptive Fatherhood: Never allow your children's demands to overrule common sense.

So Roy raised his voice over the squabble and said, "A breakfast food, if you please."

There was a pause. Then:

"Eggs," said Roderick.

"Oh, no, not eggs this early!"

"Why the h-"

Roy interrupted firmly. "Roderick."

"-ey not?"

Leslie sighed. "They're so... _fattening _for so early."

"When else would we eat them? Huh?"

"Let's just have toast or something."

This time Aaron spoke up. "Toast's so dry. I don't like it."

Roderick pounced upon it. "Exactly! Now, Aaron, tell Leslie what we want."

Aaron smirked. "Pancakes."

"What? No!"

Rule #128 of Adoptive Fatherhood: If Child A wants Food X, Child B wants Food Y, and Child C wants Food Z, always prepare Food N.

Roy turned back to the stove. "Oatmeal it is, then."

There was a silence, then a grumbling assent.

."With milk and butter."

The grumbling stopped, and Aaron piped up, "Oh goody!" Roderick slumped down into his chair, feeling vaguely as if he had been somehow denied by this reasonable offer.

Later that day:

Roy was walking down the hallway, towards the open door into his living room, he noticed, first, five-year-old Sally playing with blocks Then, he noticed Aaron standing on a bookshelf in a corner... with three of Uncle Maes' push knives, poised to throw.

Rule #327 of Adoptive Fatherhood: When one of your children has an obsession with becoming a ninja, never let your guard down.

So, as Aaron threw, Roy took a mighty leap, caught two of them in his right hand, and deflected the last with his foot. This feat brought him applause and incredulous laughter from Sally, and a ferocious scowl from Aaron. "How am I supposed to practice my aim?"

"Not with sharp things, that much I can say. And not at other people."

"Then how do I train?"

"Find some other-"

Roy stopped, and checked himself.

Rule #101 of Adoptive Fatherhood: Any sentence involving the phrase 'moving target' is probably not a smart thing to say to a small child.

"Talk to me about it later. Daddy has a phone call to make right now.

"Okay."

Sally piped up. "Do you like my house?"

Rule #18 of Adoptive Fatherhood: Never comment on your child's artwork without looking at it first. They can tell.

So Roy paused, looked at the blocks, and said, "That is very pretty. Who lives there?"

"We do!"

"I'm glad."

She beamed, and, heart swelling, Roy smiled back.

Then he went to his 'office,' picked up the phone, and dialed Maes' phone number.

Rule #118 of Adoptive Fatherhood: Never put off returning lost objects to their proper owners.

"Hello, Hughes residence."

"Hello, Uncle Maes. You missing some throwing knives?"

"Uh, yeah-"

"Three?"

"Yes, how did you-"

There was a pause on the other end of the phone. Roy could almost _hear_ Maes' eyes widening.

"Ohmigod! Did I lose them at your house?"

"Maes-"

"Did one of them get hurt? Ohmigod, Roy, I'm so sorr-"

"MAES."

Hughes calmed down.

"It's not your fault. I think Aaron took them from you. I was able to take them from him before anyone got hurt."

Maes breathed a sigh of relief. Then he began to apologize again.

Roy cut him off. "It's OKAY. I'll return them to you Tuesday."

Maes calmed down- again- and said, "Thanks. Goodbye!"

"Bye."

Roy put the phone down, got up, and heard a scream.

Rule #6 of Adoptive Fatherhood: Investigate all screams IMMEDIATELY. (Obvious, but very important.)

So Roy ran to the kitchen, where the noise was coming from, and nearly ran into a distraught Roland,. who had made the scream.

Rule #7 of Adoptive Fatherhood: Scoop up all screaming children _before_ dashing off in the other direction.

"It's all right, Roland. It's gonna be alright."

Roland, sobbing, said, "S-S-Sall, Sally-"

"What happened?"

"Sh-she fell off the counter!"

Roy picked up speed.

He arrived at the scene at about the same time Leslie did. There was Sally, lying still on the floor. Roy put down Roland, motioned Leslie towards him, and ran over to Sally.

Rule #53 of Adoptive Fatherhood: Never move a child who may have a head or neck injury.

Roy checked the neck- not broken, thank all that was- and she was breathing normally, She did not, however, respond to Roy's calling of her name. An unbroken glass peanut butter jar was clenched in her fist.

Roy got a wet paper towel and wrung it over her forehead, and Sally awoke, slowly. She blinked, and tried to turn her head to look at him.

"Don't move, don't move, Sally."

Her eyebrows creased. "Am... am I okay?"

"Yes, you're alright. Here."

Roy proffered her what was, for all intents and purposes, a placebo. It was a sugar pill, with no other preservatives or chemicals, but, also, no nutrients; it was only given out in extreme circumstances, and so didn't need anything but sweet.

Sally took it, and felt a little better. Roy got her to sit up carefully, and to his immense relief, she had only had a lsight bump- nothing, it seemed, all that serious.

Roy gave her the okay to stand up, and looked around. The other four, by now, were standing around nervously, and Roy smiled at them.

Rule #34 of Adoptive Fatherhood: Sugar makes everything better.

"Sugar things?"

He popped one into the mouth of Aaron and Roland, gave one to Leslie, then turned to Roderick.

Rule #387 of Adoptive Fatherhood: No matter how much they may act otherwise, adolescent males need love too.

"It's alright, she's going to be okay."

"I know tha-"

And in went a sweetie.

He started to glare, then let loose an embarrassed smile.

Leslie, wise beyond her age, didn't say a word.

----

And recently, four new rules had knocked at the doors of his rulebook. How?

It went like this:

It was at the office, about 12:30, after lunch and well before quitting time, and there was a giant pile of paperwork on the desk of Colonel Mustang.

Roy, as always, was bored. He had taken a five-minute break, sanctioned by Hawkeye, but could not relax. Too much, and too little, to do.

So Roy, who always had at least ten sweeties on his person at any time, got a couple and popped them into his mouth.

Extremely bad timing- Fullmetal happened to be passing by. He backpedaled, and ran into the office. "Taisa! You're popping pills!"

"No, I'm not."

"Yeah, you are! I just saw you!"

Roy pulled a couple of packets out of his pockets. "These are just sugar pills."

"Bullshit. Why would you be carrying sugar pills around?"

"They're good for hutting up small children."

It took him a couple seconds of watching Ed's fury to realize exactly what he'd said.

"No! Not you. My adoptive children."

That stopped Ed. "You have kids?"

"Yeah..."

A possible Rule #433 came knocking in Roy's head- never let short, irritable subordinates find out about adoptive children...

"_This_ I _have_ to see!"

Rule #434: ...because he will want to meet them...

Roy, in a moment of weakness, allowed Ed to coerce him into arranging a visit that afternoon

Ed remembered all their names immediately, and became great friends with them in five minutes, even the ones who were taller than he.

Rule #435: ...and they, like the traitorous cads they are, will take to him immediately...

At about 4:30, Roland came tumblingly into the room, and asked Ed, "Pappy Ed., will you tie my shoe?

Rule #436: ...and begin calling him Pappy Ed.

There was a pause.

In the space of about a second, Roy considered fainting, exiling Ed from Central, running around screaming his head off, and finally remebered:

Rule #1 of Adoptive Fatherhood: Go with it.

So, banishing all thoughts of rules 433, 4, 5, and 6 from his mind, he bent over, ruffled Roland's hair, and said, "I'll do that; I think Pappy Ed's a bit tired right now."

Ed flashed him a grateful look, and Roy smiled. Edward Elric, good with children. Who'd have thought?

-aww... how sweet-

Ed: I still think it's weird that _ROY_ of all people has a paternal instinct.

Roy: I don't.

Ed: Eh?

Roy: Ed, you can't believe everything you read...

Ed: -- Sigh... Pichi?

Me: Eep!

Ed: WEN ARE YOU GOING TO WRITE THE LEMONS?

-ringing silence-


	19. Coffehouse: Sunsets

So sorry for the wait. -- I've been busy having a life... and having my friend figure out my deviantART account... where I've confessed that I'm gay... OOu It's beginning to make me paranoid. She's just being nosy because I won't tell her...

REVIEWAH WORSHIP!

Kamokat: Good luck with the Roy problem...

DaRLinG1357: Thank you thank you thank you!

Luna-Lunak: No lemons... sorry, but I'm trying to prove to the world that yaoi is not about smex scenes... as hot as that may be...

Invader Nehima: Seven.

A Slice above the others: Aw, thank you... I feel all warm and fuzzy inside...

MP: That's one of the signs of heart cancer, you know.

Me: Warmfuzzy gone now.

shadow-wind auror: I think Al would move out... and Ed and Roy would fuck in every room of the suite...

dark-night-sky: Pavlovian response there. -sigh-

UnForgettableSin: Aww, thanks!

Fae Elric: (It's also true.) And yeah, Ed probably volunteers at an orphanage in Central on his spare time.

Roy-Fan-33: I know someone named Pappas... she's sooo weird... she asked me to dance and said she loved me at the last dance... and there's not a flippin' chance she was being sincere...

MP: You call me rude.

Me: OH! Sorry, no reflection on you, of course...

---

Disclaimer: I'm a GUY. Do you _really_ think I'm Hiromu Arakawa? (And I don't own deviantART.)

Dedication: To all those people out there who think sunsets are awesome but overrated.

---

Coffehouse: Sunsets

They had their first date at the coffee shop, at about 6:30 on a September afternoon- both nervous as hell. Roy'd never dated anyone quite so male, nor Edward anyone quite so old.

So the conversation was limited to blushing, accidental eye contact (and, shortly afterwards, more blushing), and bad jokes.

And then the sun began to sink, spreading its rosewater tint across their table.

Of course, there is no thing of beauty in the world that Edo doesn't have something to say about, sunsets included. So, finding himself on solid, familiar ground, Ed raised his voice about a dozen decibels.

"I don't get it. What exactly is so romantic about sunsets? Ohh, it's glowy, and oooh, it's all rainbow-y- so WHAT? What is it about natural phenomena tha-"

Roy kissed him square on the lips, for about fifty seconds.

Ed broke away, blushing, and on very much unfamiliar ground. "Uh... umm..."

Roy smiled. He, too, was new at this feelings thing- but he was much better at improv.

"It's you, Ed."

"Huh?"

"It's not the sunset, Edward. It's you."

This time, Edward started the kiss.

And somehow, the sunset wasn't so puzzling anymore.

-it has ended-

Me: Forgive me. It's been a while. It was so romantic in my head... but I couldn't put it onto the paper...

MP: Your wit is getting in the way of your soul.

Me: Oh, thanks.

Roy: Come on, it was a _good_ pickup line.

Ed: But it's still a pickup line!

Roy: What if I meant it?

Ed: So... you're not just using me for bondage sex?

Me: Um... Edo?

Ed: Aw, jeezus, I'm trying to have a moment here! What is it?

Me: -frantically jabs finger towards cameras-

Ed: Aw... fuck...


	20. Tiny Vessels

Here's drabble twenty- updated in a timely fashion! Woot!

REVIEWAH WORSHIP!

Clap-for-Carolyn: -eats banana- Thank you!

Aemi K: Thank you, too!

Invader-Nehima: ELEVEN?? Yes, I draw... my username's Tasbard. And yeah. Roy, Ed, and bondage sex... you'd want proof for that one.

DaRLinG1357: Seriously? I'll have to use a different disclaimer...

Takahashi 'Neko Kitsune Kyona' Ryopon: MP here. Has anyone ever told you your username is a pain in the ass?

Me: You're an asshole, Mike. Ya know that?

Neko42: Neko42 wrote many wonderful reviews for several different chapters, and I'm a lazy sonofatable, so I'm just gonna say: Thanks!

White Butterfly: Well, no. Roy's always though of himself as straight, so he's most freaked about the fact that he fell in love with a guy, while Edward's been out of the closet for a while now, so he's more freaked out about the age thing...

Wolf Flame: Thankyou thankyou thankyou!

Fae Elric: You're spelling it right, except you're missing an accent mark.

MP: -awards you medal-

---

Disclaimer: Hiromu Arakawa hates RoyEd. No, I'm not Hiromu Arakawa, and if I said I was, I'd be an idiot. And Death Cab for Cutie owns Tiny Vessels. Their's. Not mine.

Dedication: To all those brokenhearteds out there. I give you my semi-sincere pity. -blissfully single-

---

**Tiny Vessels**

_This is the moment that you know_

"You know, Edward..."

_that you told her that you loved her but you don't._

_You touch her skin... and then you think-_

_that she is beautiful-_

"You've got cat-eyes sometimes."

_but she don't mean a thing to me,_

_Yeah she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me._

Roy smiled warmly at Ed, and felt... itchy. It was time to go, but Ed just would not leave. So clingy... so... needing.

And Roy didn't want that.

He wanted his freedom back.

He'd already begun to cheat on Ed.

_I spent two weeks... in Silver Lake..._

Roy closed his eyes...

_the California sun cascading down my face._

_There was a girl... with light brown streaks..._

Hazel was one of the more memorable guests he'd kept that trip. She was no virgin, and unlike Ed, she didn't act like one in bed.

_And she was beautiful, but she didn't mean a thing to me,_

_yeah she was beautiful, but she didn't mean a thing to me._

Edward's soft touch on his arm brought Roy back to the present, and Roy offered him another shallow, empty reassurance. Clingy, clingy child.

What was Ed, anyway? He wasn't a love, as much as Roy had protested otherwise...

_I wanted to believe in all the words that I was speaking_

_as we moved together in the dark..._

Ed noticed the creasing between Roy's eyebrows, and moved to grasp his hand again- but stopped, and retreated uncertainly to himself.

_And all the friends that I was telling,_

_all the graceful misspellings,_

_and every bite I gave you,_

_left a mark._

Edward shivered, a sudden memory of every night, every date, every laugh crossing his body- the words, the gestures, the smiles- and suddenly it wasn't enough.

So he grasped Roy's hand once more, with a ferocity and a terror that startled even Roy.

And for a moment, they made eye contact, unguarded, free of delusions.

_The tiny vessels oozed into your neck_

_to form the bruises_

_that you said you didn't want to fade..._

Edward tried to look away, from the emptiness in Roy's eyes...

_but they did-_

_and so did I,_

_that day..._

Eventually, the glance ended, to be replaced by an uncomfortable silence.

Edward looked to the horizon, and what he saw was what he felt-

_And all I see,_

_are dark grey clouds,_

_in the distance, moving closer, with every hour..._

Roy took pity on the child, and put up the loving facade again, if for but a moment.

"Edu..."

Ed frowned, and pretended to ignore him.

_So when you ask,_

_"Is something wrong?"_

_I think, "You're damn right there is, but we can't talk about it now..."_

The train rolled into the station, and the facade fell off as quickly as it was donned.

_"No, we can't talk about it now..."_

Edward grabbed at Roy's sleeve, and he turned for a second.

_So one last touch..._

Roy looked unfeelingly at Edward...

_and then you'll go..._

And thus he went.

_and we'll pretend that it meant something so much more._

_But it was vile..._

...the way he'd used that child...

_...and it was cheap..._

He looked out the window, and saw Ed, looking like Tragedy herself.

_And you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me..._

And as the train left, Ed's calm left him, and he collapsed, sobbing, to the floor.

_Yeah you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me..._

_Yeah you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me._

-you see the end written in bright red ink-

Me: Yes, it's a songfic. Don't kill me.

MP: And it's angst.

Me: I'm sorry!

MP: Well, at least you did it with panache.

Ed: Roy... do you have something to tell me?

Roy: Eduuu... not everything the author writes about us is true! Remember the Fatherhood one?

Ed: Oh, great excuse. What do I have to do to prove I love you?

MP: Well, you could submit to a polygraph test.

Roy: ...

Ed: You're not administering it.

MP: Damn!


	21. Espresso Pranks

Hey, all! Sorry for the wait, and thanks for all the support about the songfic! XD I was so ashamed when I realized what I'd written...

Sorry, too many reviews too little time... THANK YOU ALL YOU BEAUTIFUL, TALENTED, WELL-SPOKEN REVIEWERS!

Disclaimer: Hiromu Arakawa _hates_ RoyEd. If I claimed to be her, and to own FMA, I'd be an idiot. I make no such claim. I _am_ an idiot, but nevertheless, I make no such claim. Lawyers, do your worst.

Dedication: To all you BEAUTIFUL, TALENTED, WELL-SPOKEN REVIEWERS! mentioned above.

April 1st was the best day of the year.

Espresso Pranks

Ed came into the office, staggering as if drunk, and flowed across the floor at startling speed. Wobbling his head round, he mumbled nonsense in Havoc's general direction, and crossed his eyes.

As Havoc backed away, unsettled, Ed slithered liquidly past him, bumping into Fuery and Hawkeye along the way, and pushed the door to Roy's private office open with the weight of his torso.

Roy looked up to greet him, and jumped. Ed staggered, fell in a three-sixty turn, and seemed to puddle across the floor.

He counted to ten, then surged upwards- startling Roy, who'd bent over the desk to see what had happened. Ed went walleyed, puckered hi lips, and moved clumsily as if to hug Roy.

Roy's eyes widened, and he vaulted off of his desk, over Ed's head, screaming, "POD PERSONN!!" at the top of his lungs. He ran out of the room at full tilt, still screaming.

Ed's laughter mixed in with the panicked screaming and the confused shouts, as he stole Roy's private espresso pot and ran from the office.

April 1st was the best day of the year.

-yeah, that's a flimsy excuse for a coffee fic-

Me: **_I'M SERIOUS PEOPLE, GIVE ME IDEAS FOR COFFEE FICS! PLEASE!!!_**

MP: ...

Roy: Get AWAY from me!

Ed: Bleagharrietae...

Roy: AHHH!


	22. Blood Temperature

I'm back!

No more coffee fics. Too hard. They don't help inspire me anymore- that was their original intent.

REVIEWAH WORSHIP!

I have gotten tons of reviews. I worship all of you.

---

Disclaimer: No, I don't own FMA.

Dedication: I dedicate this borderline lemon to all those who enjoy the cold.

---

Blood Temperature

The air was irritable and fidgety, and Edward was irritable and lethargic.

Roy was no such. He primped in front of a mirror, in full uniform, unaffected.

Looking pleased with himself to an unholy degree, Roy began to sing-song in a voice like molasses in consistency, "Is it _hot_ in here... or is it just-"

A voice more similar to vinegar rose thinly from the pool of gold that was Edward's head. "Is it _vain_ in here, or is it just Roy?"

"Can't it be both?"

"Aggh... shut up..."

Roy changed gears without using the clutch. "We could have kinky sex in the woods by my house. Whaddya say?"

Ed was far too tired to yell. "Too hot..."

"Hot- and _sultry_!"

Roy was being irritatingly happy. "I hate the heat, dearest one. Just leave me to me misery."

Roy pouted. "What's wrong with heat?"

"I like the cold."

"Why?"

Ed's mind sank into the earth. A faint memory stirred- movement, a feeling of ice- "Hell if I know."

Ed shifted, looking uncomfortable- the way he always did when he was hiding something. Roy frowned, concerned, but Ed continued. Still in vinegar tones. "What's so great about the heat?"

"As you may have noticed, I like the heat. In all aspects of life. Heat... I don't know. It energizes me."

"You're cold-blooded, Roy. You're a lizard, Roy."

"A dragon!"

"Shut up."

-----

Roy ran errands all over town that day. Ed relaxed in Roy's indoor pool.

Train tickets, three-day passes, equipment...

-----

It was hotter, if possible, the next day- and much more humid. It was Thursday, and Roy was glowing. His hair gleamed in the light, and Ed had to admit- after much prodding- that the heat was capable of producing erotic effects.

"But that's more... that's more, like..." Ed's brain had already melted.

"More...?"

"Shut up. More like water."

"I like water, too."

Edward shifted. "Have you ever had sex in the cold?"

The hairs on Roy's arms stood on end. "No..."

"Don't diss it."

"Have-"

"Shut up, Roy."

Roy complied.

-----

Ed was back in the pool. Roy made arrangements.

Days off... that was really the only big thing. That and next-day deliveries. And keeping a secret from Ed. But Ed wasn't as perceptive as he liked to think.

-----

"Special mission, Edward. Wake up, Ed. Up with you. Special mission. Edward?"

Ed didn't move... then he opened one eye. "I hate you."

"...I know you do," said Roy, casually adjusting his collar and showing off a few love-bites that had turned out looking like birthmarks. Ed, however, didn't get the joke.

"What is this special mission of yours?"

"It's hardly mine. And I don't know. I have the train tickets, and that's all."

Ed got up, and paused. "Get out of the room."

Roy cocked an eyebrow, and then laughed. "But, Edward, how else will I keep you on... track?"

"Not now, not right before an assignment, and I'm not that irresponsible."

But Roy stayed. Edward sighed, and got out of bed to get dressed. Roy watched every move of the hips, the gleam of the metal, intently.

"Look, but don't touch. We have work to do."

"I know."

Ed got dressed, and found that Roy'd already packed for him. "How late were you up?"

"It's noon, Edward."

Ed flinched, and changed topics. "Too goddamn hot."

"Don't worry."

-----

The train dropped them off near the top of a mountain. Edward looked about him with increasing interest. "Roy- do we have a contact or some-"

"Shh." Roy took off at a run.

Edward ran after him, relishing in the cold blowing past. "Hey- wait up-"

They arrived at a large, friendly-looking stone building.

Roy said, in an intentionally unconvincing near-monotone, "Oh, look. A ski resort. How nice."

Edward gasped. "You- arranged all-"

"Shh."

They got to their rooms, Edward's breath fogging in bursts.

-----

Roy could feel the hairs on his arms standing up- like fear, but not quite. The cold flesh there, and on his feet- he shivered.

Cradling Ed in his arms, he smiled. "Good advice."

"Thanks, Roy-"

"No, thank you."

And they drew the covers over themselves and slept.

-HI AGAIN!-

MP:...

Me:...

Ed: snuggles

Roy: Okay, now again.

Ed: Huh? Oh, come _on_...


End file.
